Divorce is a difficult experience to go through; but if you are recently divorced, you are not alone. The divorce rate in the United States, and other developed countries, is around 50% with people in their early twenties having the highest rate of divorce. Divorce is more common than people may realize in a society that wants couples to date and to get married. Since you are single again, here are three ways to move on after a divorce and to improve your own life as a new single.
Mental Survivor
The women that move on successfully don’t make being a divorcee their identity. They are able to move on. They are able to recognize that whatever their partner did that led to divorce was the cause of the divorce. This creates the mental freedom to know that you are a not a victim. Set an expiration date for feeling sorry for yourself and being the victim, then move forward with a strong and clear mental mindset.
Mantra, “I cannot change my ex. I can only change me.”
Repeat this mantra whenever you ex acts or says something unpleasant towards you or your children. This is especially true when it comes to custody battles over children. Control your inner self and let that control be displayed on the outside while dealing with the complexities and issues following a divorce.
Learn to Love Yourself
This is one of the most difficult things to learn and to accept in life. You know all your flaws. You know all your struggles. You know all your issues. Despite that, it is important to examine yourself and to learn to appreciate yourself for all your successes. Focus on your life goals, not your ex. Determine your priorities, instead of focusing on your problems. Learn to love yourself and figure out what is meaningful to you in your own life. Divorce is an opportunity for you to further mature, to grow, and to know oneself. Take advantage of this new chance that divorce has given to you.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
It is important to define who singles are to separate singles from their married counterparts. This helps singles, and others, to better understand what they are discussing by using the term in the same way. Singles are anyone who is not married.
Merriam Webster defines single as simply “not married.” Simply stated; if you are not married, then you are single. This is true even if you are dating someone. A stable romantic or stable relationship with a partner with whom you are dating or living with still makes you single. This is because of the legal definition of marriage is the “union of a couples as spouses.” In the strictest sense, everyone is truly single until they get married. However, there is the additional complexity of how society and culture views couples who are not married.
In the age of social media; individuals can change their relationship status from single to a range of other categories that are recognized by people and society, but not by the law, with the click of a button. These options are recognized by people that live in a society that recognizes these as other alternative lifestyle choices. However, except for civil union, certain definitions of domestic partnership that are dependent on a state’s law may be closer to being considered unmarried and single rather than living together and in a marital type of relationship. For this reason, although cultural norms may recognize people as a couple or “In a Relationship” the individuals in most popular relationship categories are truly still single. These individuals are just a different type of single. They are singles who are in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, of some kind that appears to be like marriage but is not marriage according to the law. While cultural understanding of what constitutes a couple compared to being single is not clear cut, there are other singles who consider being single as part of their identity.
Individuals who consider themselves to be happily single or do not plan on getting married are now recognized as being single by choice. There are different reasons why someone may be single by choice, which places individuals in different categories under this identification. An individual could have decided to be a lifelong single due to experiencing a series of bad and damaging relationships. An individual could have committed a religious vow that forbids them from ever getting married (this vow could require celibacy). An individual could aspire to achieve other life goals that makes remaining single the best option while dating, getting married, or having a family would be a hindrance. Ultimately, the range of reasons why someone will be single by choice will depend upon everyone’s personal experiences and life choices.
Despite the range of options that popular culture may consider to be couples, most of these relationship statuses are merely ways for people to cover up the fact that they are still single. Marriage, and certain civil unions and domestic partnerships, is the only way that someone will no longer be single. Although someone my change their social media status to being “In a Relationship” or “It’s Complicated” does not change the reality that they are in fact still single. Ultimately, with some exceptions, singles are anyone who is not married.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
To be single is to be looked down upon in a society obsessed with matrimania. Society and popular culture glorify coupledom and has convinced families, friends, and dating businesses that if someone is single that the single person must be rescued from singledom. Society has built a mythology surrounding dating, couples, and marriage and singles do not fit the cultural narrative. The cultural solution is for singles to be paired up. Singles should not succumb to society’s pressure to be in a relationship unless it is something that a person wants in life.
The American society has created a myth about dating and marriage that is sent out daily to Americans through Hollywood, movies, and television. The result is that if someone is not dating, they feel like they need to be in a relationship. This results in casual dating in order to fit in with friends and family. People have become judged by their lack of a significant other and for their single state. This is a problem that stems from society’s expectations and beliefs about single people. The belief is that once a single person dates, finds the one, and gets married that they will now be happy. The happiness argument along with that some social and political views argue that marriage provides a societal good so it is important for people to get married. These variety of arguments that society presents, along with the belief that there is a right to marry, only makes it more difficult to be single in the 21st Century.
Despite the fact that marriage is believed to be a right; the American divorce rate ranges from 40% to 50%, depending on how the study is done. Society and people continue to tell singles that they need to find a mate and get married since ignoring facts and rationalizing anything is easy to do. American divorce is a problem, yet marriage is still forced upon singles. Single shaming someone because they are not dating and are not married, or on their second or third marriage, is a problem that reflects the values of our culture.
Society needs to stop pressuring singles to date and to get married. The combination of the marriage myth and the divorce rate send contradictory societal messages, but singles still are expected to marry because it is a right. Singles need to present facts and arguments about the state of marriage to combat the societal perception that singles must get married to be happy.