Too often people rush to get married. When pressured by society, we often find the first person we can get our hands on to marry. This is a recipe for disaster, not to mention that rushing can cause you to attract the wrong partner. Here are the six main reasons why singles often regret getting married and why singles should stop believing that they need a partner to be happy.
The sages tell us that if we go about our lives, then ‘someone’ will come to us and be Mr. or Mrs. Right. I’ve seen it happen for some people, but I have also seen it happen where others attract someone who is completely uncomplimentary to them. The need to find Mr. or Mrs. Right is also reinforced to us by society’s belief in the soul mate myth.
Here are six of the top reasons people regret getting married:
The desire to hook up with other people
Some people just settle, without sowing their wild oats, and this can be a disaster. Suppressed urges eventually come out, and sometimes in the worst way. Save yourself and your partner the trouble of heartbreak, and just go experience life before you become committed. You can always enjoy life once you get into a serious relationship, but take care of your bucket list items first.
The person they married is not who they thought they were
Sometimes when people are trying their best to attract a partner, they put on masks and are not their true authentic selves. Once the partner is attained, the person reverts back to the original person they once were. This Can be traumatic for the one they married because they married you for who they thought you were. That person turned out to be a lie.
Having Children Too Soon
Once you’ve popped them out, there is really no going back. If you’re not already on a solid foundation, having children can add salt to the wound. Yes children are beautiful, but when you’re not solid in your relationship, it an be the solution to tear you and your partner apart. Most people buckle under pressure.
Not Having as Much Sex as You Thought You Would
People Get married and like the idea of sex with one partner who is safe, but sometimes when you get married you have less sex. When your needs aren’t met, you will seek them elsewhere. That is the essence and foundation of cheating.
Feeling Unappreciated
A simple act of kindness or ‘thank you’ goes a long way. You or your partner may not feel appreciated, or they may feel like you’ve taken advantage of them, or they take advantage of you. Behavior like this is cause for abandonment.
Not Having Clear Intentions
When you don’t know the motives of the other side, and every person has a motive for something, then communication down the road can be problematic. When you are upfront and honest, you can help set the tone for an open and safe environment for the other person to be open and honest.
Basically, if you follow a few simple rules you should be set when it comes to staying securely single, or avoiding heartbreak trauma while in a committed relationship. Don’t get married if you are not 100% sure it is what you want regardless of what society tells us. Wait until you feel ready. Be clear on your intentions, open, and honest. Make sure to experience your single life to the fullest extent, and have fun, because when you don’t get married, you now share your life and make decisions with another person’s consideration.
Stay safe, stay happily single, and enjoy life. Love is a battlefield, so don’t commit to anything you’re not comfortable with – especially a commitment like marriage. Good luck out there!
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
There are many different ways that someone can become single again. These ways include break ups, death of a partner or spouse, or your partner or spouse deciding to walk out on you. These all are hard things to deal with. These are difficult life circumstances, but the most important step is to slowly move on in your own way. The best choice that someone can make after a partner or spouse leaves them is to live their life on their own terms and to learn to enjoy being single again.
The ability for you to enjoy the single life provides a third solution amidst a society that presents people with a false dichotomy. Society says that there are only two options. The first option is to fix yourself for your partner or spouse to move on and meet new people after they leave you. The fatal flaw of both of these options is that they place the need for a romantic relationship above all else when a relationship is what just hurt you. The better solution is to take a break and to enjoy spending time alone instead of dating and trying to immediately get a partner or a spouse again.
During this break you may decide that you enjoy being single again and that it you may be too far in life to want to get into a relationship again. By acknowledging this, it give you the ability to fully embrace the autonomy and freedom that the single life offers individuals. This step will help you to choose what is best for you after your partner or spouse left you. Once you have tried the single life again after having to work and negotiate with a partner or spouse, you have the capability to fully embrace being single again.
These are the four values of the single life that you should embrace now that you are single again.
Security
Become secure again in yourself as an individual. There is nothing wrong with being single and you should not feel pressured to date or to get married again. Your human dignity does not come from external circumstances or relationships, but is inherent to you as an individual. You can rediscover who you are again outside of a relationship, your sense of purpose, and confidence in facing challenges on your own. Security is your anchor as a newly single person. Let it be your foundation.
Diversity
There is a broad spectrum of the types of people who are living as singles. You are just one of those many different types of singles by being single again. The reasons why people are single vary from person to person, circumstances, and life choices. You are now among other types of singles in the ocean of singles. There are a huge variety of singles in life just as there are a variety of sea creatures in the ocean.
Autonomy
You had to share the direction the ship went with your partner or spouse, but now you are the captain of your own life. You can now direct the course of your own life according to your own beliefs, values, and preferences. Your own inner compass as a single will help direct you and the type of single life that you want to live now that you are single again.
Flexibility
You now have the ability to make your own decisions and to embrace opportunities that were unavailable to you when you had a partner or spouse. You now have the flexibility and freedom to captain your ship that is your life as a single according to the flow of life’s winds or to harness life’s winds to go towards a specific direction. You are the captain of your single life and you now get to direct the sails of your own life’s ship to navigate towards the experiences and opportunities that you seek as a new single.
Now that you know the four options that are available to you after your partner or spouse left you, is now up to you to take the necessary steps and to embrace the four values of the single life now that you are single again.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
Divorce is a difficult experience to go through; but if you are recently divorced, you are not alone. The divorce rate in the United States, and other developed countries, is around 50% with people in their early twenties having the highest rate of divorce. Divorce is more common than people may realize in a society that wants couples to date and to get married. Since you are single again, here are three ways to move on after a divorce and to improve your own life as a new single.
Mental Survivor
The women that move on successfully don’t make being a divorcee their identity. They are able to move on. They are able to recognize that whatever their partner did that led to divorce was the cause of the divorce. This creates the mental freedom to know that you are a not a victim. Set an expiration date for feeling sorry for yourself and being the victim, then move forward with a strong and clear mental mindset.
Mantra, “I cannot change my ex. I can only change me.”
Repeat this mantra whenever you ex acts or says something unpleasant towards you or your children. This is especially true when it comes to custody battles over children. Control your inner self and let that control be displayed on the outside while dealing with the complexities and issues following a divorce.
Learn to Love Yourself
This is one of the most difficult things to learn and to accept in life. You know all your flaws. You know all your struggles. You know all your issues. Despite that, it is important to examine yourself and to learn to appreciate yourself for all your successes. Focus on your life goals, not your ex. Determine your priorities, instead of focusing on your problems. Learn to love yourself and figure out what is meaningful to you in your own life. Divorce is an opportunity for you to further mature, to grow, and to know oneself. Take advantage of this new chance that divorce has given to you.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
The Art of Being Single
A common question I have been asked, is if I am single or taken. Before I begin, I would like to set some parameters about myself as an emerging business leader in the Colorado community:
+I am single.
+I choose to be single.
+I like the freedom of being single.
+I believe being single is not a bad thing.
When I respond to friends and business colleagues about my preference, many are shocked and urgently want to usher me to link up before all the ‘good ones’ are taken.
I would like to point out that there is a high, and rising, percentage of divorce rates in our country. This is, in part, one of my reasons for staying single. There is something going on in the background that, to the naked eye, we are all unaware of….
It is the need for instant gratification. Younger generations in America have the privilege of living on one of the best economic climates in history. This makes life relatively easy, in comparison to our grandparents who have grown up in the great depression, and experienced similar situations from the result of our country being at war.
Another side I would like to shine light on is what I have observed in many ambitious business leaders I have had the privileged to connect with. The majority of successful leaders are single. Is this a bad thing? No,by all means. Is this possibly a choice? Perhaps….
When you are ambitious to reach high goals in business, you don’t necessarily have time for romance…. This can be distracting. And the other side of having a companion can really either make you, or break you.
It’s a roll of the dice.
To all those who are single, and reading this article — there is hope. If you are not yet married, or have a companion, this truly is the best time to sit with yourself and gain a good understanding of who you are. Wear your singleness with pride.
Try to see the positives of your single life, there is always a bright side to life. Create the life you desire, and make your life as beautiful as you are. Being single, after all, is truly an art.
Securely Single,
Danielle E. Brockma
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
To be single is to be looked down upon in a society obsessed with matrimania. Society and popular culture glorify coupledom and has convinced families, friends, and dating businesses that if someone is single that the single person must be rescued from singledom. Society has built a mythology surrounding dating, couples, and marriage and singles do not fit the cultural narrative. The cultural solution is for singles to be paired up. Singles should not succumb to society’s pressure to be in a relationship unless it is something that a person wants in life.
The American society has created a myth about dating and marriage that is sent out daily to Americans through Hollywood, movies, and television. The result is that if someone is not dating, they feel like they need to be in a relationship. This results in casual dating in order to fit in with friends and family. People have become judged by their lack of a significant other and for their single state. This is a problem that stems from society’s expectations and beliefs about single people. The belief is that once a single person dates, finds the one, and gets married that they will now be happy. The happiness argument along with that some social and political views argue that marriage provides a societal good so it is important for people to get married. These variety of arguments that society presents, along with the belief that there is a right to marry, only makes it more difficult to be single in the 21st Century.
Despite the fact that marriage is believed to be a right; the American divorce rate ranges from 40% to 50%, depending on how the study is done. Society and people continue to tell singles that they need to find a mate and get married since ignoring facts and rationalizing anything is easy to do. American divorce is a problem, yet marriage is still forced upon singles. Single shaming someone because they are not dating and are not married, or on their second or third marriage, is a problem that reflects the values of our culture.
Society needs to stop pressuring singles to date and to get married. The combination of the marriage myth and the divorce rate send contradictory societal messages, but singles still are expected to marry because it is a right. Singles need to present facts and arguments about the state of marriage to combat the societal perception that singles must get married to be happy.