The unconsecrated single life for some Christian single men is an up-and-down cycle of extremes. The first part of the cycle brings joyous days of seemingly endless personal freedom and unlimited energy that enables us accomplish a ton while it lasts. Sadly, this part is usually the more fleeting part, which makes it the shorter of the two. The second part is when the momentum is lost and everything comes to a halt. What ensues is a myriad of days filled with isolation, misery, and their resulting immobility, that just seems to go on for eternity as one day bleeds seamlessly into the other. The unconsecrated single life is a worthy vocation for Christian singles because it fits with the theology of singleness.
Unconsecrated Single Life For Christian Singles
Thankfully, not all single guys will fall into this cycle. However, those men who do, even if only a handful of times, make up the overwhelming majority (your truly included). This means that we will have a hard time achieving and maintaining our personal equilibrium once the cycle sets in. The key factor that shapes a bachelor’s momentum of overall improvement revolves around focus.
Focus is an interesting thing. It’s not a physical object; it’s a state of mind, body and spirit, and it can also be an action, but it’s immaterial. Yet, like any hammer, blow torch or screw driver, focus is an instrument. It has no inherent moral leaning, it has no will or power of its own, just potential to be utilized. Like any instrument, focus can be directed to do just about anything. It can be used to create, destroy, and just about everything in between, depending on how its wielder might choose to wield it.
Regardless of circumstance, we are constantly focusing on one thing or another; it’s inherent to our design as sentient beings. But what we focus on and how intensely we focus on it is up to us and it affects the end result; much the same way a camera lens’s focus can be adjusted. And here’s where focus comes into play with keeping momentum during bachelorhood: focusing on the future and the possibilities it holds will keep you moving forward, focusing on the past (be it the one that got away or the one you wish you’d told to go away) will keep you stranded where you’re at, and you may even regress somewhat.
Here’s the catch: it’s far easier to focus on the past, including the memories and the emotions infused in them. Why, you ask? Because it’s real; the past is made up of real people and events. And real events have real consequences. The resulting memories from said events have emotional associations, good and bad, that keep us tied to and rooted in them. The future is the opposite because it doesn’t even exist in real time. No hard and detailed memories to hold onto, no binding ties.
But here’s the catch within the catch: the future is changeable, the past is not. Everyone understands this intellectually, but understanding it emotionally is an entirely different story. When you’re a single guy who regrets being single, it’s all too easy to spend your immediate future living in the past by laying in bed on a Saturday afternoon for hours on end thinking up every alternative reality your imagination can muster when you know its completely useless, and even counterproductive.
Emotionally accepting the past, and for that matter yourself, in their entirety is the best way to free yourself from focusing on it. It’s then that the past stops being an immovable anchor and becomes a point of reference on a road map that helps you find where you’re at. The future is that much easier to visualize and therefore focus on when you have a good idea of where you stand in the present as a result of the past. When we focus on something, we’ll get it; so focus on the future, because it starts today, not tomorrow. The unconsecrated single life is an opportunity to focus on the future. The unconsecrated single life is not a time to pity yourself for not being in a relationship. On the contrary, the unconsecrated single life is type of vocation and the church needs to study singleness.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
The Christian church and the Christian community has neglected singleness in favor of the earthly institution of marriage. While marriage is good, it is a temporary earthly institution that God gave to Adam and Eve in the beginning. There will be no marriage on earth after the Second Coming with the new heaven and the new earth. The Christian church preaches about the present state instead of the future state where Christians will be single and will find their fulfillment in Christ instead of with an earthly spouse. The Christian church needs to acknowledge that marriage is an interim institution on earth and preach that singleness is good and is Biblical.
Christian Church Must Recognize Marriage Is Temporary
Christians too often make marriage into the goal that every churchgoer must achieve in life to be considered a good Christian. This should not be the case. Marriage is a temporary earthly institution that was given to man in the beginning, but marriage is not what Christians are called to find meaning from in life. The meaning of life comes from Christ who the husband to His bride the church. When that relationship between Christ and His church is perverted, Christians make marriage into an idol. That idolization of marriage by the church hurts Christians, the Christian community, and people who may be interested in the Christian faith by not welcoming those who are single. Christians need to remember that it is the relationship with Christ that is permanent while marriage is a fleeting institution.
Christians seem to forget that there will be no marriage in heaven and with the resurrection of the new heaven and the new earth. There will be no marriage after the resurrection. Christ told the Sadducees in Matthew 22:29-30, “You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” For those who are married, remember that you will be married on earth but not in heaven. Similarly, singles should not seek marriage as a means make themselves a better Christian. Marriage will not make you a better person or a better Christian because it is an impermanent earthly institution. Christians would be wise to remember what Christ told the Sadducees about marriage because the church’s idolization of marriage today mirrors the Sadducees.
Instead of making marriage the primary focus of the church, the church should make singleness the cornerstone of theology when talking to singles instead of marriage. Church leaders should stress to singles that there will be no marriage in heaven. The church should emphasize to singles that there will be no marriage in the new heaven and on the earth and that singleness is Biblical. Finally, with the new refocus on singleness, the church needs to create a theology of singleness that Christian singles can study to take the emphasis off of marriage for Christians. While marriage is good, it is temporal while single is eternal. The church and Christians must recognize this instead of pushing singles in churches to date and to get married.
Summary
It is time for the Christian church to follow Christ’s teaching that “in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage” by teaching a theology of singleness. Marriage is provisional institution that God gave to Adam and Eve in the beginning, but will not be in heaven. It is time for the church to stop neglecting singles in the church and to study what the Bible actually says about singleness. The church and its leaders right now are acting like the Sadducees who do not know what the Scriptures says about marriage, the power of God, and the reality of singleness in heaven.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
Christians in the church often look down on those who are unmarried. This is problematic because singleness is Biblical. This also creates division within the church. Celibacy and singleness also has been a part of church history since the beginning of the Church. Singles also means anyone who is single and may not be considering vocations such as the priesthood. The varying degrees of singleness, likewise, should be recognized as good. All Christian denominations must recognize that singleness is Biblical and create a more welcoming environment for singles in churches and in the Christian community. Here are three ways that the church can help single Christians in the church by recognizing that singleness is Biblical and make singles feel welcome by the Christian community.
Singleness Is Biblical
The Bible never condemns those who are single. It actually encourages those who do not desire to marry or who are widowed to seek a relationship with God first because spouses distract from pursuing holiness. That is because spouses can become the focus instead of God. In contrast, singles are able to grow and mature in their relationship with God by reading the Bible, praying, and living a holy life each day. The unmarried single person is concerned with the heavenly things of God while the married are focused on earthly things such as pleasing a spouse. Saint Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:8 writes “to the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.” A few verses later Paul continues in 1 Corinthians 7:32-33 that the “unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife.”The Church needs to realize that the Bible positively connects being single to having a relationship with God, while society equates being single as being a problem. The church and the christian community should recognize and make use of this uniquely Christian view of singleness that goes against what the world says about singleness. The church needs to create opportunities for singles in the congregation to flourish instead of having groups with the purpose of pairing off those who are unmarried.
Unite The Church
By implicitly, and sometime explicitly, emphasizing that the married life is superior to the single life the Church is creating division in the Body of Christ. This hurts Christian singles as the Church and fellow Christians send single Christians the message that they are not mature in their faith until they are married. This stigmatizes singles in the congregation instead of embracing the strengths that the single life brings to the Church. All congregations and denominations need to embrace singleness and accept those who are single. The Church should be united in the faith and as the Body of Christ but this division between married and single is divisive and hurts the Church.
Church History of Celibacy And Singleness
There is a history of long history of singleness and celibacy in Church history. The modern Church has forgotten this history and has gone in the opposite direct by telling Christians that they must marry. Not every Christian is called to marry. Those who are married, if they are widowed, will become unmarried again. It is also time for the Church to recognize a historical change in the population and to evangelize to the unmarried. If the Church does not have a theology of singleness and does not even understand the Church’ history of celibacy and singleness, then it will never be able to reach out to the singles of today.
There is nothing wrong with being single, whether by circumstance or choice. The church should support all of the different types of singles that are make up the church from those who may be looking to date, who are content being single, who are single parents, and who are widows. Being single and singleness is much broader and singles should not need to take a religious vow or be celibate for the church to recognize that being is a great thing and equal, yet different, from marriage.
Summary
The unmarried and single population now outnumbers those who are married. It is time for the modern Church to change its message about singlehood and singleness. By doing this, the Church will be able to evangelize to the single population without falling for the stereotypes that society has constructed about those who are unmarried. Most importantly, the Church will not be watering down theology to do this but will actually be continuing church history and following what the Bible teaches about the single life. It is time for Christian denominations to focus on their single audience in other ways besides pushing marriage on those who are unmarried.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
The church has a problem. The first and most important problem confronting the church is that Millennials are not going to church. The second problem is that singles now are the majority of the population. Although singles are now the majority, the church continues to treat single congregates as inferior to married churchgoers.
The church must separate itself from secular society. However, the church and Christians have failed at this on many social issues by simply defaulting to what society and civil law says is right. The same is true for the church when it comes to singles. Society pushes singles to date and then cohabitate, if the couple doesn’t marry. This has created the dating industrial complex. The church is guilty of joining society’s bandwagon by making singles feel uncomfortable for not being in a relationship or being married in the church. This can be seen by the church’s emphasis on the importance of marriage— to the point that it is an idol—and having church singles groups that are essentially places for Christian singles to find someone to date. There are two ramifications for the church not having a theology of singleness and devaluing singles. First, by defaulting to relationships and marriage as the only option, the church and Christians have accepted secular beliefs about relationships and marriage that goes against what the Bible teaches. This would not be the case if the church taught a theology of singleness and Christians were aware of it when it came to modern society’s beliefs about relationships and marriage. Second, singles are leaving the church because the values of the single life are not acknowledged and singles are unwelcome by the church. If the church wants to reach out to Millennials and the single population, the church must recognize that singleness is good and have a theology of singleness.
The church treats singles by either dismissing them or suspiciously looking at singleness as unnatural. By dismissing singles, the church is banishing singles from the church. This means that the church is also disregarding what the Bible says about singleness. For Protestants who follow the tenet of Sola Scriptura, this is a problem. For the Catholic and Orthodox churches, this can include Tradition with what the Bible says about singleness being good. If the church does dismiss singleness, then it will continue to views singles with suspicion. This is a result of Christians elevating marriage where it has become the church’s Golden Calf. The church looks upon singles suspiciously because they do not meet what it means to be a true Christian because they are not married. This is an instance where the church and Christians have been influence by secular society and completely ignored the Bible. The consequence of this for the church is that it has forgotten singles in its pews, disregarded what the Bible says about singleness, and is a part of the secular world instead of being set apart from it. The church should have a theology of singleness and make Christian singles feel welcome again at church.
The church historically acknowledged that singleness was a righteous and holy state. This was based upon both Scripture and history. Christ says in Matthew 19:12 that there are three reasons why people are single, “For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” There are those who have been single from birth. There are those who have been made single to serve man and are unable to have children. There are those who have chosen to devote their singleness to God. The third version is found in church’s that have holy orders and religious vocations. There are many Bible passages that address singleness, but here are three:
1 Corinthians 7:7-8
“7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. 8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.”
1 Corinthians 7:26-35
“26 I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. 29 This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, 30 and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, 31 and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.
32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”
The main points that Paul is addressing to the unmarried in this section are threefold (26-35):
- Those who marry will have worldly troubles (26-28).
- The existence of the universe does not depend upon marriage (29-31).
- Singleness provides an opportunity for undivided service and attention to the Lord (32-35).
1 Corinthians 7:38
“38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.”
By making marriage an idol and demanding that all singles marry, the church has forgotten Paul’s message in the Scriptures about singleness that can be summarized as:
“I wish that all were [single] as I myself am… I want you to be free from anxieties… [and be] anxious about the things of the Lord… [to] secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”
This is a quick survey of what the Bible says about singleness. The church should have a theology of singleness and welcome singles in the congregation. The church has a long history of having a positive view of singleness, but singleness is now negatively viewed and portrayed by the church as an oddity of life. It is not an oddity. It is Biblical and a way to devote oneself to God without the distraction of an earthly husband or wife. Who are you going to serve when it comes to singles, society or God? Christians must remember that “they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world” (John 17:18).
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
Christians within the Church often look down on those who are unmarried. This is problematic because singleness is Biblical. This also creates division within the Church. Celibacy and singleness also has been a part of church history since the beginning of the Church. All Christian denominations must recognize that singleness is Biblical and welcome singles at church.
Singleness is Biblical
The Bible never condemns those who are single. It actually encourages those who do not desire to marry or who are widowed to seek a relationship with God first because spouses distract from pursuing holiness. That is because spouses can become the focus instead of God. In contrast, singles are able to grow and mature in their relationship with God by reading the Bible, praying, and living a holy life each day. The unmarried single person is concerned with the heavenly things of God while the married are focused on earthly things such as pleasing a spouse. Saint Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:8 writes “to the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.” A few verses later Paul continues in 7:32-33 that the “unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife.” It is a Biblical lifestyle and vocation to remain single, if singles are called to it. The Church needs to realize this and create opportunities for singles in the congregation to flourish instead of having groups with the purpose of pairing off those who are unmarried.
Unite the Church
By implicitly, and sometime explicitly, emphasizing that the married life is superior to the single life the Church is creating division in the Body of Christ. This hurts Christian singles as the Church and fellow Christians send single Christians the message that they are not mature in their faith until they are married. This stigmatizes singles in the congregation instead of embracing the strengths that the single life brings to the Church. All congregations and denominations need to embrace singleness and accept those who are single. The Church should be united in the faith and as the Body of Christ, but this creates division between those who are married in the Church.
Church History of Celibacy and Singleness
There is a history of long history of singleness and celibacy in Church history. The modern Church has forgotten this history and has gone in the opposite direct by telling Christians that they must marry. Not every Christian is called to marry. Those who are married, if they are widowed, will become unmarried again. It is also time for the Church to recognize a historical change in the population and to evangelize to the unmarried. If the Church does not have a theology of singleness and does not even understand the Church’ history of celibacy and singleness, then it will never be able to reach out to the singles of today.
The unmarried and single population outnumber those who are married. It is time for the modern Church to change its message about singlehood and singleness. By doing this, the Church will be able to evangelize to the single population without falling for the stereotypes that society has constructed about those who are unmarried. Most importantly, the Church will not be watering down theology to do this but will actually be continuing church history and following what the Bible teaches about the single life. It is time for Christian denominations to focus on their single audience in other ways besides pushing marriage on those who are unmarried.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
Dating and sexual relationships are society’s idols that singles are told they must worship. Marriage is often made into the Golden Calf by Christians. Marriage is a great thing. It is a sacrament after all. The problem arises when Christian start to believe that everyone must get married and if they don’t, they are not fulfilling God’s plan for their life. Being single may be a vocation, but it has not been properly studied in theology. At a minimum, the single life should be recognized as a legitimate state of life. The single life needs to be respected within the Church and singles should push their pastors to study singleness.
There are many different types of singles. For this reason, the Church needs to study to find if there may be different degrees of singleness since not all singles want to take the sacrament of holy orders. Christ and the disciples were single. Many of the prophets were too. It would seem that there would be theological and historical reasons that could form a theological foundation for the single life. That foundation, along with the Golden Rule, could be first steps to move the emphasis off of the need to get married to respecting single at church. The Church, or parish, is “a certain community of the Christian faithful stably constituted in a particular church, whose pastoral care is entrusted to a pastor (parochus) as its proper pastor (pastor) under the authority of the diocesan bishop (c. 515.1).” The parish, or church, is a living microcosm community of the totality of Church that provides access to community. In some cases, this community can become a second family for those who make use of all that their local church offers them.
Church members need to welcome singles with open arms. Being single is not a disease. It is not a sin. A church’s congregation should not give singles the cold shoulder, as many singles experience in the church. This is especially true if they are older and unmarried. The community within the Church needs to embrace singles and expand church groups for singles to not only be social events to find people to date within the church. By believing that singles need to get married and pushing marriage as a necessity on singles in the church, the congregation is making those who are unmarried feel lonely in their own church. The opposite of this should be true! Singles should be loved. Singles should want to attend services to see friends. Singles should want to be involved with their church’s community.
All denominations can do a better job to make singles feel welcome. The first step is for people to recognize that there is nothing wrong with being unmarried. Second, recognize that the single life offers its own advantages that are lost once someone is married. Third, Catholic and Protestant churches should explore and establish a theology about what it means to be single. This theology would help singles as they decide whether they want to remain single, commit their life to remain single and become a priest, or to wait until they are ready to date and ultimately get married. Christians are called to do unto others as they would like done to them. Do Christians treat you differently because you are single? Remind them of the Golden Rule.
Christians need to better follow the Golden Rule when it comes to their treatment of those who are single and unmarried. Christians should love those who are single. Christians should invite those who are single to events and to their homes for community. Christians need to better develop what it means to be single and how the single life fits into Biblical history and theology.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
It can be difficult to be single in the Christian bubble. For a long time, both in Protestant and Orthodox religious spheres, single Christians have heard the message from the pulpit that finding a husband or wife to love is what any true God fearing Christian should aim to have in life. However, some Protestant churches have begun to change their message directed at singles by taking the Bible passages that address the single life seriously. Christian congregations, regardless of denomination, need to pay more attention to the Bible when it discusses the single life and the Christian community must recognize that there are several reasons why people are single.
Society is built around couples. Likewise, churches often assume that people who do not couple are not achieving their full potential as a Christian. This can be seen by the lack of church groups that are built around and supposedly for singles. If there is a group for singles in a church, it is meant to be a way for singles to find another Christian man or woman to date and marry. This is a problem for congregations since it hinders the mission of a church as well as watering down Bible passages that explicitly talk about how the single life is a valid life choice. Some Christians may decide to remain single and celibate, a concept that is foreign to our modern society where sexual identity is the final determination that defines an individual.
For those singles who choose to be single and/or celibate, it is important to know that singleness is a gift from God and to enjoy your time as a single. A Christian single should not be concerned with earthly love that society is enamored by. Christian singles should instead seek to fall deeper in love with their eternal relationship with Christ. The relationship with Christ, unlike those with a spouse, will last forever and there will be no marriage in heaven since we will be able to participate in God’s nature while enjoying the full vision of God. Marriage is an earthly institution that God created for man since Adam was alone, but man was originally meant to walk with God in the Garden of Eden. Despite marriage always being placed on a pedestal by both society and Christians, it is important to recognize that the institution of marriage is not perfect and brings with it its own problems as Paul writes that it brings its own troubles to those who are married.
Marriage is an important institution that is the foundation of society. However, singles can contribute to society and the church without having to find a spouse. The single life is a Biblical lifestyle choice as long as the individual follows the laws that God built into nature when it comes to sexuality and living a pure life that honors God. Churches have made some progress in applying passages that talk about the single life and how it is a viable option to marriage, but there is still much to be done in all denominations to make single feel less pressured to get hitched in the Christian community. At your next youth group, small group, or Bible study do not be afraid to point out how the Bible supports those who are single and how your church may contradict that teaching decreasing the value of those who are not married.