There are many different ways that someone can become single again. These ways include break ups, death of a partner or spouse, or your partner or spouse deciding to walk out on you. These all are hard things to deal with. These are difficult life circumstances, but the most important step is to slowly move on in your own way. The best choice that someone can make after a partner or spouse leaves them is to live their life on their own terms and to learn to enjoy being single again.
The ability for you to enjoy the single life provides a third solution amidst a society that presents people with a false dichotomy. Society says that there are only two options. The first option is to fix yourself for your partner or spouse to move on and meet new people after they leave you. The fatal flaw of both of these options is that they place the need for a romantic relationship above all else when a relationship is what just hurt you. The better solution is to take a break and to enjoy spending time alone instead of dating and trying to immediately get a partner or a spouse again.
During this break you may decide that you enjoy being single again and that it you may be too far in life to want to get into a relationship again. By acknowledging this, it give you the ability to fully embrace the autonomy and freedom that the single life offers individuals. This step will help you to choose what is best for you after your partner or spouse left you. Once you have tried the single life again after having to work and negotiate with a partner or spouse, you have the capability to fully embrace being single again.
These are the four values of the single life that you should embrace now that you are single again.
Security
Become secure again in yourself as an individual. There is nothing wrong with being single and you should not feel pressured to date or to get married again. Your human dignity does not come from external circumstances or relationships, but is inherent to you as an individual. You can rediscover who you are again outside of a relationship, your sense of purpose, and confidence in facing challenges on your own. Security is your anchor as a newly single person. Let it be your foundation.
Diversity
There is a broad spectrum of the types of people who are living as singles. You are just one of those many different types of singles by being single again. The reasons why people are single vary from person to person, circumstances, and life choices. You are now among other types of singles in the ocean of singles. There are a huge variety of singles in life just as there are a variety of sea creatures in the ocean.
Autonomy
You had to share the direction the ship went with your partner or spouse, but now you are the captain of your own life. You can now direct the course of your own life according to your own beliefs, values, and preferences. Your own inner compass as a single will help direct you and the type of single life that you want to live now that you are single again.
Flexibility
You now have the ability to make your own decisions and to embrace opportunities that were unavailable to you when you had a partner or spouse. You now have the flexibility and freedom to captain your ship that is your life as a single according to the flow of life’s winds or to harness life’s winds to go towards a specific direction. You are the captain of your single life and you now get to direct the sails of your own life’s ship to navigate towards the experiences and opportunities that you seek as a new single.
Now that you know the four options that are available to you after your partner or spouse left you, is now up to you to take the necessary steps and to embrace the four values of the single life now that you are single again.
Views expressed in this article are the author’s opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of Secure Single. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not investment or financial advice. James Bollen is the author of Thriving Solo: How to Flourish and Live Your Perfect Life (Without A Soulmate). Now available in paperback and for the Kindle on Amazon. Subscribe to Secure Single’s Substack for free!
Breaking-up is no fun, we all know it. Sometimes you need to leave your lover because the relationship no longer serves you. It may be that you both are headed in a new direction, the relationship was previously toxic, or you just need some space to get on track with your career. Through the separation, you will most likely feel the 5 degrees of separation. It’s normal, and as a caveat, you may want to practice the following tips to ‘catch yourself’ after the demise of your last relationship. Ready for a fresh start? Okay, let’s go!
Go Out and Be Risky
One thing to consider to ‘get over’ your lover is to ‘get it on’ with another. As bad as you want to, don’t do it. You might settle for someone you don’t know that well, and potentially put yourself in a dangerous situation. You might also risk getting something unintentionally. Your sexual health is important.
INSTEAD, try spending time with friends and family. Feeling the loss of someone who you loved and invested a lot of time in can make you feel a void when their presence is not there. Sexually, look into books and products that can satisfy one of your basic human needs. Easing off of someone is not easy, no matter how the situation unraveled. Take the time to be there for yourself during the fall, and actually catch yourself. You can do it!
Call Them Back
Okay, so you’re a couple of drinks in, and you’re on the ride home with your friends. You start to pick up the phone and scroll through your ex’s Instagram. Seeing all those pictures makes you feel nostalgic of their presence. You open your contact list, and lo and behold, you find their name. You start to call, and… Stop right there. There’s no way the phone conversation will go well. Yes, you might end up back at their place, and it will feel unreal. You might even go to voicemail. Either option is not ideal, and here’s why: the rejection straight to the voicemail will hurt, worse than before you called and were missing them. And on the other side, ending up back at their place will potentially produce a pattern of the ‘broken-record’ syndrome, where neither of you will have time to recover emotionally. Be the bigger person and let time and space heal the hurt. It could just turn all physical, while your emotions get the beating.
INSTEAD, take the time to love yourself enough to not open your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being up to potential harm. Love yourself enough to pick yourself up, and walk away from the situation. Give your friend your phone until the feeling passes. We’ve all got a good friend who will help us out, so give them a call!
Don’t Draw the Shades – Do This Instead
Easy to feel down when your lover leaves you, or you had to leave your lover because they weren’t the person you thought they’d be. Either way, look at the situation as a learning lesson. You learned more about yourself, and about what you want in a partner. Staying in, eating pop-tarts, and drawing the shades may be appropriate for a week, but once you’ve allowed yourself to pout, come off it! It’s not that good for you, anyhow…
INSTEAD, write in your diary, and get outside. Being in the sun boosts your vitamin-D levels in your body, leading to increased levels of happiness, and a general well sense of being. You also will be more than, just wear sunscreen before leaving the house. Your future self will thank you. Working out with friends also helps. Blowing steam off by lifting weights, or going for a long and meditative run, will both clear your mind, and improve your fitness. You’ll look and feel great.
Bottom Line
Take care of yourself by optimizing your mental, physical, and spiritual health. We’ve all been there and can say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just because you are missing your ex, doesn’t mean you should compromise yourself. Take this new opportunity to rebrand yourself, build a company, and learn new skills. You may even make some good friends along the way. So keep progressing forward.